I'm not ok...

"I'm not ok..."

"Wow, did I just say that?"

These were the words that I found myself saying to myself and my wife on our last vacation. It took 4 days into our vacation for me to realize this, standing in the middle of the pool at our hotel. In fact I followed it up with "wow, I'm pretty jacked up."

The pressure that most people don't see from my cheerful disposition on Sunday mornings had crept into my life without me even knowing it. The constant shouldering of new tasks, life events, and my regular vocational duties had finally landed me in the doctors office talking about a possible anxiety disorder. Even that took place before vacation and it still didn't occur to me at that time there was something wrong with me.

I was in the Word and had what I considered a pretty steady prayer life. Could it be that those two things aren't enough? Could it be that the pause in my life had become non existent. God's word talks about keeping the Sabbath holy (Exodus 20:8), which I thought I was doing. I took Mondays as my Sabbath and wouldn't do a thing. Often didn't even leave the house. So I'm in The Word, praying, and keeping the Sabbath, but I'm still not ok? What gives?

It occurred to me as I stood there waving my hands through the water in the pool that I hadn't taken a 'true vacation' in over 2 years. Not just any 2 years, but perhaps the most intense and difficult years of my life (probably a big reason why I didn't take time off). Sure I'd taken time away from work, but usually that was time I took to go DO something. I hadn't gone somewhere to just be...

...just to just stop...

...to just let go...

...to rest in God.

For more than a day I needed a severe pause, a selah, a hiding place. I needed to leave my zip code, leave my work responsibility, and unplug.

Sounds selfish and maybe even unspiritual right? I can remember people telling me that if you're feeling burnt out it's because your not relying on the power of God enough (which I think is always true of everyone). I can always use more of God working in me, working through my humanness, but the more I considered what I needed the more I remembered that Jesus often got away.

The God of all creation in human form needed solitude away from everyone and responsibility?

Ok, maybe He didn't NEED it, but He modeled it. Jesus got away from the crowds, away from it all to seek God and allow God to speak (Luke 5:16). It's recorded several times in the gospels. He would either slip away early in the morning (Luke 4:42) or even send the disciples on ahead of Him (Matthew 14:22-23) and catch up later (walking on water). Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior got away, and sought the Father.

So, maybe I was in The Word, Praying, and even observing the Sabbath, but I was missing one very important geographical piece. I'd didn't get away. I tried to seek the Lord in the midst of it all. Don't get me wrong I'm sure that my prayer life and time in The Word kept me from totally losing it, but what if I was able to get off the hamster wheel and seclude myself so I could more clearly hear the Father?

So how are you? Are you ok? Are you really "jacked up?" You might not even be aware of it. I sure wasn't. In fact you could have asked me before my time away how I was doing, and I would have said "I'm great!"


Are you getting away from people, from work, from even family and friends to recharge with the Lord? If the answer is "no."

That's not ok.